My Story
Having spent most of my life in the U.S., I didn’t feel connected to my roots. Thinking back, I lacked sense of ownership of my own identity. Partially, this is due to conditioning I received as a young girl in Japan, seeing only beautiful white people in magazines and TV commercials. I learned from a young age that whiteness was beautiful, and that I didn’t fit the mold.
Things didn’t get much better when I arrived in NYC at the age of eight. Kids constantly made fun of my lack of language skills, and worse, poked at my low nose bridge asking, “Where is your nose?” In high school, a neighbor downstairs opened the door every morning when I walked past to go to school, yelling, “Go back to where you came from!” before slamming it shut. Countless taunts of “Chink!” “Jap!” “ching-chong” etc. yelled at me on the streets. Insidious microaggressions, aimed at me by mostly white men, who I exclusively dated. The perpetual incidents of racism were lashes to the psyche.
I’m ashamed to admit it now but I spent much of my thirty years in the U.S. pretending/ living like I was a white person and ignoring all the issues brought on by my true identity.
In the wake of the 2011 Japanese earthquake disasters, I had my first awakening about my Japanese identity and began cultivating friendships with the Japanese community in NYC. Yet, with those friends, we never talked about racism that surely, all of us dealt with.
It was only since my arrival in Okinawa five years ago that I started to unpack all that I had suppressed—both the trauma inflicted on me by others, and those that I had inflicted upon myself in my own denial. Nowadays, I try to be softer to myself, and remind myself that I was only trying to survive. And with anti-Asian hate finally being recognized as real, the communal healing has begun.
For too long in the U.S., I deferred to non-Japanese people as “experts” on Japanese culture, but times are a changing! Now I, and many others, are taking a stand on who should represent us.
Upcycling Kimonos is a part of my healing, to reconnect with and reclaim my Japanese roots. It gives me so much joy to touch these materials, and to learn about the history of Japanese textiles. Through this project, I’ve been able to connect with so many likeminded and inspiring Nikkei Folx out there. I’m not only grateful, but I’m also filled with pride.
Today, I am practicing Kitsuke 着付け (the art of wearing Kimono). I chose a true Indigo-dyed Kimono and a Fukuro-Obi, both with the Asa-no-ha pattern. 麻の葉 Asa-no-ha is an ancient Japanese motif representing the hemp leaf. Hemp is a resilient plant that grows very quickly, and the motif represents growth and resilience. It took me a joyful six hours to put on this Kimono outfit today. I know it’s not perfect, but I continue to grow, evolve, and thrive.